“Right now I’m breathing easier than I have since probably freshman year, life is finally starting to feel not painful again” ~ a text I sent to a friend last night, 07.15.18
h e a l i n g .
I came into this summer carrying a whole lot of baggage and wearing a whole lot of scars, completely adamant that healing was going to happen this summer, even though it only felt like I was still getting knocked down with every step I took.
This summer literally
but I’m growing and rebuilding and feeling stronger than I’ve ever been.
I broke harder than ever before this summer (debatable point, but I broke pretty dang hard), and each time I thought it was the worst that it could get, something else would happen and I’d crumble a little more.
But now I’m doing the best I’ve ever done.
It took filling an entire journal, a whole bunch of processing through art, and beginning to work through an inner healing curriculum, but I am on the road to healing.
Breathing doesn’t hurt.
I don’t wake up in the morning dreading the hours to come.
I’m not waiting to get hurt again.
I finally decided to stop running and actually sit in the pain and be intentional about healing.
THE most painful process of my life, but oh the joy on the other end.
Freedom for the process,
grace for the hard days.
My mantra this summer.
My heart is the strongest that it has ever been.
It’s wounded, it has scars.
But it’s not afraid of the pain anymore. It’s not afraid of the healing. It’s at peace with where it’s been.
It’s not afraid of being broken.
I have become so self-aware this summer, and I think I’ve finally grown some self-respect that I’ve been lacking for a really long time. I’m setting up boundaries for myself so that I finally stop putting myself in unhealthy situations. I’m actually trying to protect myself for once. I’m making conscious decisions for myself so that I can continue to heal and only get better. I’m finally taking care of myself emotionally and mentally, not just physically.
Summer 2018 has been a healing balm for me.
I wrote in my journal,
“Summer 2018: A HEALING BALM FOR HEARTACHE–the skinning of what hurt so bad + the regrowth of what is so good.”
If that ain’t the truth.
This summer has been what I imagine treatment for burn victims to be like: continually having to scrape off and reopen the wounds so that something healthy can grow.
I’m finally thinking in color again.
I’m breathing and rejoicing in that fact.
The joy deep inside of me is showing again.
The pain brought healing,
all because I stuck through it.
I chased after the healing and would not let go, no matter how much it hurt.
I broke more than I thought I could,
and I am healing to a kind of wholeness I never thought I could be.
Is it perfect?
But I’m breathing, and it finally doesn’t hurt anymore.
A fun new playlist I made because YAY for healing, easy breathing, and yellow living!!