healing words from a friend

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“I know about zero percent of tonight

But I do know a few percentages of you

And a few percentages of the season you were in and the season you’re in now

And I was just talking with Lauren about how frustrating it is

To have been in treatment 

Where you are finally learning that being emotional is healthy and learning how to process and how to find your voice and speak for your needs

You go to this world where you’re taught how to struggle out loud 

And then you leave

And society hasn’t caught up with the most fundamental and practical mental health needs of any human being

And you come home only to be “hushed” because society doesn’t do this the same way

“Struggling out loud is ok sometimes but not all the time”

“For maybe an hour but never all day”

“For some situations but not everything has to be something”

And you’re asked to put your voice back in a box

And they are unaware 

Almost blind 

To realize that the box is where you just sent ED

Self harm 

Isolating 

The demons 

The refusal to talk

It’s where you just sent everything you taught to come out of

And you set yourself free

And now people look at you and say “go back” without realizing it

And that’s hard

Fucking terrible 

Because at treatment it was ok to cry 10 times before lunch

It was ok to cry over “spilt milk”

In fact

It was almost required

It was acceptable 

Struggling meant healing

Because the silence

The shutting down

The “brushing it off and moving on”

Meant you weren’t changing

You weren’t growing

So I’d simply like to say

I see you

I know you’re growing right now

And I know that isn’t comfortable for our world

Not yet anyways

But don’t for two seconds 

You go back into that box

Because this Sarah I know

Gets to have every emotion

All day any day for any reason 

And it means you’re alive

And it’s hard to have grace 

And understanding 

For the people we love

And the people we know love us

When they don’t get it

When they are somehow functioning through the very behaviors and poor emotional care that literally has destroyed us at points

It’s hard to do it

But I know you will

And I know you know who you are 

And the strength it takes to say “I’m not ok”

You are a freakin warrior

And this was the longest stream of texts ever

I should stop now

Ok I love you”

|| texts from Evelyn, Feb. 3, 2018, 10:42pm

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thank you for getting me so so well. always. bffs even though we’ve only met like twice. your voice is powerful and I am beyond blessed and honored to be able to hear some of your words and thoughts and heart. you are golden.

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