It’s been quite a week. Quite a month. And if I’m being honest, it’s been quite a semester.
I am so incredibly happy with where I am right now–I have the best roomie, my boyfriend is great, I’ve been traveling and seeing all my people which has been SO good, and I absolutely adore my major and the path that my life is on–but the darkness is heavy.
It’s been a heck of a long time since I have felt such unshakable sadness. The kind of sadness that’s almost debilitating. The kind of sadness that has left me in bed for 75% of this past week. And it is so hard to feel like this again.
I don’t think I have felt this kind of sadness that has lasted this long + affected so much of my life since before Carolina House. Ouch.
No no no no no, I am not that girl again. I’m not. This sadness is dark and heavy and it honestly feels like it’s never going to end, but I am not that girl still. I’m never going to be her again.
There’s really no point to this post except to say that sometimes life is hard. And sometimes you cry upwards of 10 times a day. That’s okay. It isn’t for forever.
I think in this past week I have journaled/vocalized to my roommate/texted my support system this very question about a gazillion times: “When is it just going to end?”
I don’t know when it’ll end. I don’t know when the tears will stop or when life will feel yellow again or when the sadness will finally go away, but here’s what I do know:
Jesus is good.
Jesus is good and he is faithful and he will not leave me here.
He’s never left me here before, and he’s not going to start now. That isn’t who my Jesus is.
Last night I journaled, through a heck of a lot of tears, “My Jesus, you are good. So good. Let me see that and say that in the midst of it all.”
Let me see your goodness and let me proclaim it EVEN IN THIS SADNESS.
Currently I want to go get Psalm 27:13 tattooed over every inch of my body because it is my heart cry right now.
I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13
My confidence and my only hope right now is that there is an end to this sadness. But even until then, I will praise Jesus because he sees me in this valley. He sees me and he knows me and he calls me his.
This season might not feel good, but he is good. And that is enough.
My Jesus won’t leave me here.
I don’t know when this sadness will end, I don’t know how many more tears will come, I don’t know how many more times I’ll beg for it to just be over already.
But he is here, so it is well.
This song is my anthem right now. Give it a listen, let it sink into your heart, and believe it. Peace be still.