He’s Already Coming To Get Me [a follow up post]

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It’s only been a little over 48 hours since I sat crying in my bed and published my last blog post, but wow, God is already showing up.

When I wrote that blog, it really wasn’t for my readers. It was for me. It was for me to be able to vocalize that God is good in the midst of it all. In the midst of my sadness and uncertainty, I needed to proclaim that God is good so that my heart could believe it. It was a reminder for me, no one else.

Oh, heart, believe.

I let that blog post become my faith declaration; my heart cry. My white flag to Jesus. Me screaming, “I TRUST YOU. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOOD. I BELIEVE THAT THERE WILL BE AN END TO THIS SUFFERING. BUT UNTIL THEN, I WILL PRAISE.”

I didn’t expect the darkness to lift any time soon. And if I’m being honest, it got a whole lot darker on Monday morning.

But God.

God hear my heart cry. He knew that I believed and that I trusted, but when I wrote that out for the world to see on this blog, he used that as my declaration of faith.

It’s as if God read my blog post and said, “Okay, she trusts me. She knows that I’m good and that I’ll save her from this eventually. She has that faith. And she is still choosing to praise me, no matter the timeline or outcome.”

And then God moved. 

By Monday evening, I couldn’t stop crying because of JOY. Pure, unexplainable-except-for-Jesus joy.

God moved mountains and opened doors that I had not even imagined or knew existed. He is just THAT good!!!

He knew my deep heartache, but he also knew my deep faith. And once I proclaimed his goodness over my situation, he moved.

That is just who our God is. Time and time and time again, he has proven that throughout all of history.

Abraham. God commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac. Without question, Abraham went. When Isaac asked his father where the lamb was for the offering, Abraham said, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son” (Genesis 22:8). He didn’t know for sure, but he decided to believe that God would provide. FAITH DECLARATION. When Abraham goes to slay his only soon, God stops him. “Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. Now I know you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son” (Genesis 22:12). And then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught in the bushes. GOD MOVED.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. King Nebuchadnezzar created a statue of himself and commanded all the Babylonians to bow down at the assigned time and worship him. They were all told that if they did not bow down, they would immediately be thrown into the blazing furnace. Yet Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, stood their ground and refused to worship any god except for God. Right before they are to be thrown in the fire, the king asks them if they believe that God will save them. They reply, “if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up” (Daniel 3:17-18). Even though they knew God might not save them, they still declared him good. FAITH DECLARATION. They were thrown into the fire, and once the king and his advisers looked in, they saw that they were not burning, and that there were four people in the fire. Jesus showed up. Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego were taken out of the fire unharmed–“they saw that they fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them” (Daniel 3:27). GOD MOVED. 

Boy Possessed by an Impure Spirit. This is one of my favorites. A man brings his demon possessed son to Jesus, begging him to heal him. After the man expresses doubt of his ability to heal, Jesus sasses him and says that all things are possible for one who believes. The man then proclaims, “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) FAITH DECLARATION. After the main’s proclamation, Jesus rebuked the impure spirit and it fled from the boy’s body immediately. GOD MOVED. 

These are just three examples of countless times over all of eternity that God has worked and opened doors after his people have declared faith. Sometimes faith is all we need.

I stand amazed at my God this week. Things have been SO hard and I saw no end in sight, but I trusted. I had faith. I proclaimed. And God moved in ways that I had no idea were possible. WHAT?! 

It isn’t over, but joy is there. There is sun again. I can’t stop dancing and twirling.

God is good.

He is faithful.

Time and time and time again.

Always good.

Always, always, always faithful.

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He Won’t Leave Me Here

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It’s been quite a week. Quite a month. And if I’m being honest, it’s been quite a semester.

I am so incredibly happy with where I am right now–I have the best roomie, my boyfriend is great, I’ve been traveling and seeing all my people which has been SO good, and I absolutely adore my major and the path that my life is on–but the darkness is heavy.

So heavy.

It’s been a heck of a long time since I have felt such unshakable sadness. The kind of sadness that’s almost debilitating. The kind of sadness that has left me in bed for 75% of this past week. And it is so hard to feel like this again.

I don’t think I have felt this kind of sadness that has lasted this long + affected so much of my life since before Carolina House. Ouch.

No no no no no, I am not that girl again. I’m not. This sadness is dark and heavy and it honestly feels like it’s never going to end, but I am not that girl still. I’m never going to be her again.

There’s really no point to this post except to say that sometimes life is hard. And sometimes you cry upwards of 10 times a day. That’s okay. It isn’t for forever.

I think in this past week I have journaled/vocalized to my roommate/texted my support system this very question about a gazillion times: “When is it just going to end?”

I don’t know when it’ll end. I don’t know when the tears will stop or when life will feel yellow again or when the sadness will finally go away, but here’s what I do know:

Jesus is good.

Jesus is good and he is faithful and he will not leave me here.

He’s never left me here before, and he’s not going to start now. That isn’t who my Jesus is.

Last night I journaled, through a heck of a lot of tears, “My Jesus, you are good. So good. Let me see that and say that in the midst of it all.”

YES.

Let me see your goodness and let me proclaim it EVEN IN THIS SADNESS.

Currently I want to go get Psalm 27:13 tattooed over every inch of my body because it is my heart cry right now.

I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

Amen.

My confidence and my only hope right now is that there is an end to this sadness. But even until then, I will praise Jesus because he sees me in this valley. He sees me and he knows me and he calls me his.

This season might not feel good, but he is good. And that is enough.

My Jesus won’t leave me here.

I don’t know when this sadness will end, I don’t know how many more tears will come, I don’t know how many more times I’ll beg for it to just be over already.

But he is here, so it is well.


This song is my anthem right now. Give it a listen, let it sink into your heart, and believe it. Peace be still.

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Be Your Best Self

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WOW, hello!! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been absent from this little space of the internet for a couple months now. It’s been a whirlwind since coming back to school, starting a new job, getting a new treatment team, and just simply trying to settle back into a new semester. I definitely hit the ground running, but I also finally fell flat on my face.

It’s been a BUSY semester. On my busiest day of the week, I leave my dorm at 7am for Dwell fam breakfast (shoutout to the highlight of my week!), and don’t return to my dorm until 8 o’clock that night after work (well, I return to my room once during the day to change into long pants for my forensic science lab, but spending three minutes in my room doesn’t really count). So easy to say, it. has. been. crazy.

At first I was thriving. Seriously. I loved having a planner that looked like an [organized] hot mess and had writing on every line. I liked staying busy. BUT I’m 10000% an introvert. I have to have alone time quite often, or I’m not my best functioning self. So the joys of feeling productive + busy 24/7 quickly faded, and I was left feeling overwhelmed, unhappy, and just not in love with life anymore.

Finally, after a week of sobbing almost everyday, I realized that I wasn’t being my best self and that I needed to fix that. Being my best self means that I’m being the best version of myself possible. I have to be actively pursuing myself so that my glass can be filled up enough so that I can continue to pour into others.

So. How have I chosen to actively pursue myself? There are a few things that I have intentionally decided to do in order to be my best self. These are things I have simply decided to do for me. I’m not saying that they’re gospel or that it’s what you need to do to be your best self. Find what you need to do and chase after it. 

Quit the job.

If you know me, you know that I have been working a ton as a nanny this semester. Unfortunately, the job was leaving me feeling more drained than filled, and I realized that it has been weeks since I last actually hung out with my friends or boyfriend. As a college student, my job shouldn’t be taking over my life, so my support system thankfully encouraged me to turn in my two week notice.

Delete your Snapchat.

Or Instagram. Or Twitter. Or all of the above. For me, I found that Snapchat was such a negative resource. Most of my Snapchats between friends and me consisted of us complaining about things, which just isn’t cool. So I decided to peace out of that extra source of negativity, because nobody got time for that. Yeah, I miss out on funny stories and seeing what my friends are doing, but if I really wanna know what’s going on in their lives, I need to reach out to them personally instead of waiting for them to update their Snapchat story.

Wear that yellow.

Honestly, I don’t have much to add to this. We all know that I’m obsessed with the color yellow. But my day gets at least 10x happier when I’m wearing something yellow, so I’m trying to be much more intentional about wearing my yellow items of clothing because sometimes my mood just needs a lil bit of extra sunshine.

Buy those pastel highlighters.

If it makes you happy, go for it. I found pastel highlighters in a random Buzzfeed article last week and they just came in the mail today and I am SO stoked about them. Pursue you, gf, even when it means sometimes spending money on silly little things that make you happy.

Create all the things.

Literally my biggest piece of advice. CREATE. I am the most free and at peace when I’m doing something creative, whether it be blogging or painting or crocheting or whatever. You don’t have to be good at it. It can be a complete mess. But just do it. I’m sure there’s some scientific fact somewhere that says creating makes you be a better person. And I’d back that fact up 100000%.

Basically, PURSUE YOU. It’s only been a few days since I’ve decided to intentionally start pursuing myself again, and it’s already the best. I already feel more like me and I’m definitely falling back in love with life again. This life thing is hard, y’all, so be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time and space. Learn how to be your best self, because not only will everyone around you thank you for it, you’ll really thank yourself for it.

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