I Never Meant to Tell This Kind of Story.

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I never meant to tell this kind of story.

 

I never meant to tell the kind of story

that is secretly

(yet visible for everyone to see)

etched on to porcelain wrists.

 

I never meant to tell the kind of story

that curls around collarbones

and hides behind ribs

that try to fill up the emptiness inside,

but yet only stick out like swords

waiting to hurt anyone who

comes too close.

 

I never meant to tell the kind of story

that is confessed to an empty toilet bowl,

applauded with the cool

(disgusting)

backsplash of water.

 

I never meant to tell the kind of story

that flinches,

winces,

trembles

at a mere hand on the shoulder,

because at one point

there were hands that were

not so kind.

 

But this is the story that I’m telling,

and I don’t know how I got here.

I don’t want to tell this story.

 

But I must tell this story.

 

I must tell this story

because I cannot stay prisoner,

I cannot stay captive

to the darkness that has held me under

for so long.

 

The story is screaming to be told,

and I don’t want to tell the story,

but I must tell the story.

 

I tell the story so that I have a voice.

So that I have freedom.

So that I can find peace.

So that I can close my eyes

and forget his face.

So that I can eat lunch

without the guilt gnawing inside,

or without the urge to discard of my food

after I have already consumed it.

And so that my scars

will just be scars,

not lines of embarrassment

and reminders.

 

I tell the story the story so that

I

can

live.

 

I need to live.

I need to breathe.

I need to be set free from this story

that I have been writing on my body

for over half a decade.

 

This story will no longer be told

through my body,

but through my words.

I will speak them,

I will type them,

I will write them,

I will scream them,

I will get them out.

 

I will

get

these

words

out.

 

I will live.

I will breathe.

I will be set free.

 

I will tell this story.

 

I never meant to tell this kind of story.

But this kind of story is meant to be told.

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