Oh my Jesus, I am so sorry

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I don’t know what to say.

All I know to say is I am so sorry, Jesus. You are King and I nailed you to that cross. I nailed my King to the cross. I nailed my Savior to the cross. I nailed the very thing that I am living for to the cross.

My heart is breaking. When I sat down to read the crucifixion story tonight, I prayed that Jesus would not let me just read the words. I prayed that he would make it real in my heart, that I would feel the agony of what my sins did.

And oh my sweet Jesus let me see the crucifixion in all its pain and darkness.

I am Judas.

I am the one who turns on my Savior and betrays him in the very spot that I often meet with him.

I am Peter.

I am the one who denies knowing Christ because sometimes the world just seems so much better because being a Christian is hard and uncomfortable.

I am Pilate.

I am the one who knows the truth, but still turns away from it and does not stand up for what I believe in.

I am the crowd.

I am the one who yells to crucify the Lord; the one who mocks him and spits at him; the one who denies that he is King.

I am the men who nail him to the cross.

I am the one who murdered my precious Jesus.

My sins killed my Lord and my heart is so heavy.

Who am I to be loved by the man that I killed? Who am I?

I don’t know.

But I do know that where sin runs deep, grace is more.

Time and time again the Bible reminds us that Jesus came for a purpose. He came with full intention to die on the cross.

He came and loved the people even though he knew that they were going to kill him.

He willingly died even though he knew that thousands of years later we would still be sinning and turning away from him.

He knew, but he still did it.

And that just doesn’t make sense to me.

But that’s grace.

Crazy amazing grace.

Tonight my heart is broken and raw because of what I did to my sweet Jesus.

I am broken inside knowing what I did to him, but I am full knowing what he does to me in return. 

Today is good, not because of what we did to our Lord, but because of what he did for us.

We don’t have to live in darkness anymore.

We get to live in the light as we wait for Sunday to come.

I am so thankful for this resurrection life that we don’t deserve to live.

But we’re living it, all thanks to a messy, yet beautiful cross thousands of years ago.

My Jesus, I am so sorry for what I did. But thank you for what you did in return.



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