I’m Tired of Making Myself Small

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Literally and figuratively.

But this time I’m talking about figuratively.

Right now I’m at the beach with my boyfriend and his family and his sister’s boyfriend. So basically, it’s a family trip + the significant others. Kinda awkward, but fun overall.

Except for the fact that I’m trying to keep myself in a nice little box in order to not disrupt anyone at all.

Here’s a prime example of me trying to make myself small: the bathroom situation.

There are two bathrooms in our beach house – one upstairs and one downstairs. The two boys are in the bedrooms downstairs so they share that bathroom, and my boyfriend’s sister and I share the upstairs bathroom with their parents.

Of course when you’re staying somewhere for a week, you unpack your things. You put your shower stuff in the shower and you leave your toothbrush next to the sink. You hang your towel on the rack. You make your house for the week home.

Well, at least that’s what my boyfriend’s family is doing. I’m not.

All my bathroom things are kept in the closet. In my luggage carriers. Each time I take a shower, I unpack my shower stuff, and then when I’m done, I dry my things off and then pack them back up. Same thing with my toothbrush, deodorant, face wash, everything. I even fold my towel up and put it in the closet. Because I’m scared.

I’m scared of being in their way (as if my travel sized bottle of shampoo is really going to hinder their shower abilities much). Since I’m not family, I feel as if I need to be an outsider – only allowing myself to look in, not join.

I think that’s because this is how it’s always been for me. At school I alway had to stay out of everyone’s way – if not, I got pushed aside or received dirty looks. I couldn’t go where I didn’t belong. My school taught me that the only place I was allowed to be was inside myself, and even then I had to shrink to the smallest size possible (again, literally and figuratively).

I’m sick of living like that. Living like I have to be the smallest version of me possible. I want to live a life that’s big. A life that matters. A life that rocks the world. And I can’t do that if I’m continually shrinking myself down.

I want to be able to leave my shampoo in the shower. Leave my book on the coffee table. Unpack my suitcase. I want to be able to say hi to someone that is “popular,” go into a bathroom at school without being afraid, ask someone to borrow a piece of paper.

I’m tired of pretending that I don’t matter.

That’s the bottom line of it.

I’m freaking tired of believing that I don’t have a place in this world. That I don’t belong. That I’m not as good as the rest of the population.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Maybe because I just want to rant. Maybe because getting it out on paper (or a screen) makes it more real. Or maybe because I know that we all struggle with believing that we aren’t good enough.

Regardless of reach reason why I’m writing this, I know that that last reason is so true.

So you who are reading this, please know your worth. Know that completely as you are right now is enough. It’s not too much or too little. You are perfect. Exactly right where you are supposed to be.

You don’t have to shrink yourself so that you don’t shake the earth.

You were meant to shake the earth.